HOW TO: OVERCOME THE LIES OF PERFECTIONISM
perfectionism is just another word for legalism….
Matthew 5:48 KJV “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”
Perfectionism-
According to Laura Dorwat on the Very Well Health website, Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by a tendency to set extremely high, rigid, or "flawless" goals and place excessive demands on oneself and others.
Perfectionism, in psychology, is a broad personality trait characterized by a person's concern with striving for flawlessness and perfection and is accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations. (Wikipedia, 2024)
According to Oxford Languages, Legalism is excessive adherence to law or formula.
During the past few months of this year, the Lord has been drilling down walls that I had built up in my life that I once used to think were walls of stability until The Lord showed me, that if he needed to remove them then it was never stable in the first place. The Lord has also shown me that the traits of perfectionism I was dealing with, were indeed linked to some things. Trauma, feeling inadequate, wanting the approval of man (humans), and insecurity. Perfectionism robs us of knowing how to navigate the reality of having problems in this life. It robs us of learning how to live and enjoy the life that God has given us. There is no such thing as “everything being perfect” In the sense that there will never be a problem, things going according to our schedule all the time with no interruptions, etc, this is unrealistic. Perfectionism is indeed another word for legalism.
Now just a disclaimer; there is nothing wrong with planning, setting structure, and routine in your life but it is a problem when we begin placing our identity in these things and allow them to control us, how we feel, what we do, how we feel about ourselves and even others. Everything could be going well when it seems like everything is going according to our plan but until something unplanned interferes, it can reveal a deeper part of us that these legalistic masks cover. Many times when we try to execute something to our human definition of perfectionism, we become critical and bitter, toward ourselves and others. We began to project how we view our identity and these tasks on others who don’t “accomplish” them like how we would want. For example, we can put pressure for something to turn out a certain way but then when it doesn’t, all of a sudden, we’re a failure, dumb, or inadequate; but the truth is that we just need a new way to approach this thing to get it accomplished. Instead of learning from it and trying again, we think that the plan we developed to accomplish this thing was the only way when indeed that’s not true. Some things take longer to accomplish and that's okay. Some things can be accomplished quicker and that is okay as well. There are times when we may have worked so hard on a thing and because it didn't get accomplished by the time we wanted to, we begin to think of ourselves as lazy when that is not the case at all. We then begin to develop habits of restlessness in deception, thinking that these are productive habits to accomplish things according to our standards instead of the standards of God. On the opposing side, we get so discouraged that we end up quitting. This is exactly what the enemy wants. No matter if you are a busybody trying to get everything right, whether it be appearance status, or stagnant, you're not resting in God’s rest and will for you. There is rest in God’s truth and plan for you. Knowing that you're beautiful is a different place than trying to be beautiful, one you can see well but the other you are struggling to see.
This leads to my next point, perfectionism is in a relationship with restlessness, fear, and doubt. We create all these rules and rituals under the name of routine that start pretty normal to help us live a balanced and normal life. These things are to help us get the structure and organization needed to accomplish our goals, not to condemn us if we don’t get everything accomplished accordingly. These things are also to help us grow and learn about our strengths and weaknesses, things we can change, improve, maintain, and help us know what we should do when adapting to a new season of our life.
Perfectionism in the form of restlessness could be something we do because when we finally do rest, then we are faced with the memory of things that happened and words that were spoken to us that cause wounds and brokenness. Rest sometimes creates room for us to hear what the noise of restlessness was muting. The things that we wanted to avoid for as long as possible. Sometimes perfectionism is not always striving to accomplish something but is us trying to hide from something we don't want to face and perfectionism is lying to us that if we do all these tasks and things then we won’t end up living like the thing we have been avoiding or that we will never need to face it. This could be toxic parents, a sexual abuser, or escaping womanhood and manhood by trying to appear like the opposite because of trauma and abuse. These could be negative thoughts that were empowered by specific experiences in your life. This could be a teacher or any other adult who spoke negatively about your existence and convinced you that they were correct. Striving to be perfect according to the standards of this world from beauty to success, to relationship status, etc; is always in comparison to something we think (or were told), is “perfect” or “better” when many times that’s not the case. Truth is if you probably did have those things that you viewed as “perfect” or “better”, you would still be dealing with those thoughts of comparison because you have yet to be content with the good that you do have. Growing up I used to hear a saying whenever a complaint was made by someone and hear someone else respond, “People are dealing with worse that would love to be in your shoes”. Indicating that your situation was a blessing and many people who don’t have those privileges want to be in your position. Sometimes I think how much we don’t know as people that God has blessed us with a lot of good things, yet we don’t see it as good enough because the world is always telling us that there is something else.
This is why the wilderness was pivotal for the children of Israel, they needed to get purged of every slavery habit and mindset of bondage that kept them bound so that they would know how to be free in the promised land. Freedom is found in the salvation of the Lord. Whatever is controlling us and keeping us bound is not God but keeping us from experiencing Him and if we don’t let go of the ways of slavery, that will cause us to go against God and rebel just like some of the Israelites did. They thought of Egypt, the place they were oppressed for 400 years, as freedom. They thought the place God had for them, flowing with milk and honey, a place of abundance, was a place where God was trying to kill them because they were not used to it. They had to learn how to be free but first needed to overcome the obstacles they would normally avoid to get there. That is where some of our frustrations with God and ourselves sometimes lie. We prefer to do hard labor that is not producing fruit because it's keeping us busy then to trust God to help us defeat the giants we always avoided. We feel as if God should accept our works as perfect because that’s what we want them to be viewed as.
Another way perfectionism can come up is by consistently trying to excel in performance before God. That is, if we do not perform well or do a whole bunch of good works that He is rejecting us, that he will leave us, or that he will punish and condemn us. God is not a man. He is not human. God wants us despite how we may fall short, he knows everything before it even occurs. He doesn't want our works, He wants our hearts for him, He wants us to have a relationship with him. Many times we treat God out of fear of what we’ve experienced dealing with people. Our performing for God’s love could be that we have been in situations that told us we had to perform a certain way for someone to like us, or that we were used to people leaving us or abandoning us if we did not perform the way they wanted us to. May I encourage you with the truth of the God of the gospel, The Lord Jesus Christ who died for you and me, that there is absolutely nothing you can do that can make him love you because there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him hate you. God is compassionate and kind, he is the lover of justice, he will never leave nor forsake you, and He is ever faithful. That is just who He is, His faithfulness is not predicated upon our faithfulness and upon what creation is doing, He is faithful because that is who he is and that does not change.
May these scriptures encourage you:
Hebrews 13:5- “Let your conversation be without covetousness, and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”
James 1:17- Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.
Romans 5:8- But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
2 Corinthians 5:21- For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.
John 3:16- "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life"
Ephesians 1:5-9 - “5 Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, 6 To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. 7 In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace; 8 Wherein he hath abounded toward us in all wisdom and prudence; 9 Having made known unto us the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure which he hath purposed in himself:”
Ephesians 2:8-9- “8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: 9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.”
I was finding myself in a restless state because the fears, anxieties, and insecurities I was holding inside of me were beginning to bear fruit. I was spending more time in the mirror trying to see if I could “adjust” how I look because the thoughts of “If a man sees me I don’t want to look bad nor be rejected by their eyes and if other people see me I want to look acceptable”, really be accepted. In other words, I wanted validation from men and people that I was beautiful, something that I’ve told all my life. What I realized is it doesn’t matter how many confirmations you can get for a thing, if you don’t believe it then it is all air. I found myself spending more time on my wigs so that they looked “perfect”, I found myself cleaning dishes multiple times a day to fit the perfect scenario that “there are never dirty dishes”, thinking that If I stopped taking this post at the sink that I failed at being “perfect” and was qualified for condemnation. I found myself looking at my weight more, saying to myself fasting has not been doing well but in all actually it has been doing me beyond well. Now I must say people’s comments have built up over time, but now I just have the time to hear them. Why? Because God called me into a season of rest recently. This has been so hard because I’ve never actually rested until this time. There are days I’ve cried, anxiety levels have been high, frustrated and impatient. Then there were times when I began to thank God for his peace, the peace of being able to sit still and enjoy the quietness around me, the noises that came with the day, and the mental peace that came and replaced overthinking and negative thinking. During my times of rest I realized that a lot of what I was doing was being habits I developed to cope with things. Washing the dishes is not a bad thing but your motives to do them can be. I had to ask God to teach me how to be me, teach me how to BE still and know that you are God (Psalm 46:10). I had realized that I had lost myself, the sight of who I am, in all that I was doing to try to feel or seem perfect, that my true identity was being left trapped.
You may be a mother who is trying her best and the stress has weighed you down and you feel like you are at your breaking point, it may be a bit discouraging but may I encourage you that God is willing to help, Sometimes it looks outside the norm, sometimes it takes everything you were trying to hold in together to come out before God the father. Motherhood is a beautiful thing, not a thing everyone masters every day. That’s why it’s important to have the Master Jesus come and help. This is the truth for any person with any struggle. Many times we try to be perfect not realizing that we are people who need help. It reminds me of the scripture where Jesus speaks and says
“ When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole do not need the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” - Mark 2:17
Now on to the actual ways to overcome the lies of perfectionism:
Learn the truth in God’s worth against the Lie. Renew how you think by seeing what God says in scripture and meditate on it until it becomes reality.
Rest. Ask God to help you rest effectively. Something that the Holy Spirit told me is that rest is supposed to restore us. You are supposed to have clarity, peace, and strength once rested.
Reject the lies and depend on the power of the Holy Spirit, which is the spirit of God. The Bible tells us concerning the Holy Spirit in John 14, “16 And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; 17 Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.” Also, 26 But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.
Pray and fast, whether it be from 6 AM to 6 PM, a 24-hour fast, 6 AM to 3 PM, fasting for a few days, a dry fast, or a water fast, kill the flesh, and destroy the grip of the enemy off of your life through prayer and fasting. This creates more discipline for you to walk in God’s truth.
Thank you so much for reading. I pray this blog post blesses you all tremendously and I would love to hear your feedback below.
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